I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
