Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
