she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
