Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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