You smell like stripper and shame
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Randomize
