tonight lets celebrate not being married
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
