Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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