There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I still have a little drunk in my system
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
