so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
