He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
