I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
