This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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