your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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