yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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