I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
my god I love twenty year old dicks
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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