Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
