She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize