My liver just broke up with me...
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
