I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Randomize
