Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
