Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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