Do you still have your period?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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