dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
