Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
