Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
