Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
