the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
