Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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