I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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