My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
