Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
