Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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