Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
