don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
