I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
