Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
