all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
