so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
