When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize