So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
