i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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