So drunk, too bad you don't want this
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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