im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
