it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
