btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
OPIZZABONMYDICK
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
