the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Who died my cat blue again?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
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