Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
