I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
They should really pass out barf bags in church
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
