I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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