sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
you will always have a special place in my vag
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
