if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I still have a little drunk in my system
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
