I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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