she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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