Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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