I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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